皆がジャガIII

I'd thought in JC that I'd gotten over my problems of meeting new people, but I hadn't.

I thought during my internship that I was better and thus ok at meeting new people, but I wasn't.

I thought at the end of my first year in NUS that I had adapted to meeting new people, but I hadn't.

I thought as I begun to settle down with the second service that I was used to keeping people at an arm's length, but I wasn't.

And I still haven't, and I still am not.

I still find myself wanting to draw people closer, or push people farther away;

Just basically not knowing how far should I hold them off? Is it ok to have this measure of restraint? And is it ok to have this measure of familiarity?

I still am not sure, but one thing's certain:

That I'm more used to the idea of calling people who I may not even greet on the corridors 'friend'.

It feels a bit lonely actually, especially last Friday. Then I realized, quickly enough:

That I don't need to draw them too close. Or to worry about holding them too far off. Because I already have people who understand me.

Therefore let all others come and go as they wish.

Can't believe I'm only just settling this with myself. I guess it was also because I heard Mom sharing with the cg last Saturday about how she's kind of like this too with her friendships. Kind of a 'love you or hate you' attitude. Which I clearly inherited from her. In the past I just thought I was too shy.

So, I hope I'm not so much affected by being alone anymore. It no longer leads to existential/soul searching questions. Hahaha.

Urgh. Sometimes I'm like a teenager even though I'll be an adult in a few months time...

Sigh. Given up on resisting the passage of time, so I shall not scream and wail noooooooo I can't be that ooooold.

Instead, I shall say it calmly. No, I can't be that old. Sigh.