Karenai Hana

Thursday, June 10, 2010

too flustered to think of a title

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God my Savior has ransomed me

Sometimes, like now, I don't feel free. I feel like there's still a heavy burden on me. Like every time I have to play the keyboard for service, I don't want to. Cause I know if I try, I can't get it done the way they want it. If I don't, my own style of playing won't be accepted.

So in the end I'm rejected again right? Through and through. Me, my personality and my music.

*Speaks to self: No no, tis wrong. Such thinking is wrong.

But yet I can't see it any other way.

Somehow ended up on duty this weekend again. I'm tired of playing 2nd keyboard. It makes me all flustered and worked up and worried, but if I play 1st keyboard my style won't be accepted.

If God has set me free, if His mercy has been extended to me, if His grace is sufficient for me,

Why don't I feel it???

angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry... Bweah.

Haish. I can't even enjoy listening to good music now. Makes me ask myself "can I do that, can I create that effect if required, can I make it sound so good"?

Like the music in itself is most important. Which is utter crap of course.

So what, God can accept the worship of my heart, but mere mortals can't? It all doesn't make sense to me.. RRRRRRRarrrrrrrrrrrgh. *Frown*

SUCKS. Wish I could say goodbye to them all, up and move and start anew all over again... except that the same situation would repeat itself. And then what, move again? In the end, must be something wrong with me right?

Makes me want to blame someone else like, wish I hadn't been in a top school and a top student orchestra cause now everything is about the results.

But I know that's not completely true either...

Bweah.

I have decided!

I'm playing the 1st keys this weekend, AND I'M DOING IT MY WAY. Cause I don't need your merely human approval.

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