second guessing

Yesterday morning at 9:13am I received an sms that made me happier than I have ever been in a while. But it also opened a can of worms, which I decided, most consciously, to close. I think I finally understand what it means to be so happy that you're afraid you'll wake up to find its only a dream.

Perhaps not coincidentally, I also had more fun shopping with Mom yesterday, than I have had in a long while.

Thinking over it, I guess I somehow got back to reality. I mean, it doesn't mean anything. Maybe, he's just using me cause he's lonely or bored. Then I'd really be a sucker, wouldn't I?

Sigh.

BUT...! I really really want to believe him this time. I really want to believe its true this time! But how to?

He told me a while back that he dreamt of the quiche I made last Christmas. I made it again today, and looking at it I wonder if I should bring him a small piece on Thursday...

My gosh. I really am such a sucker. Pure idiocy. Glutton for punishment. Blind fool. He has a life out there, can you please go get one too Jane?

Eesh. Seriously, girl.

meh.

Shana should be in UK now, so she won't be able to see this blog post so soon, although she is the one who's been bugging me over blogging.

I'm so tired today. Tired emotionally. Today was one of those roller coaster days of happy, sad, angry, frustrated, close to tears, relaxed, guilty.

But when I was watching Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader today I could stop thinking about stuff and get off the ride for a while. Frankly I was surprised, impressed even that they included the bit at the end where Aslan tells Lucy that she must find him in her own world, where he goes by another name. Cause that's just Lewis' little bit of evangelism.

Aslan in our world huh. I wish You could really appear in a physical form I could hug and talk directly to, and hear Your comforting voice. I thought I preferred JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, but in times like this I'm quite thankful for Lewis' stories, for the perspectives he gives.

Well I guess I really should start inviting people to the Christmas musical. However it turns out is not up to me eh.

Haish. What kind of person do I want to be anyway? I can't please everyone, that's for sure. So I guess I should do what's right by me. Even if it means getting sarcastic replies from a person I thought I'd just gotten to know better and start liking.

Aiyoh. Headache headache. It's ok Jane, he doesn't understand where you're coming from. Plenty of people have not and will not understand you. Just like all those people didn't understand where Mom was coming from all this time. And I'm sure you'll do that to many other people too.

Like how there are so many things I don't understand either. Like why people would abandon a sinking ship. Maybe that's not so hard to understand, but... It shouldn't be that way. And what am I supposed to do, come in and pick up after them? That's not fair, I have my own fair share of work. I know I'm not obliged to pick up after them, but then, God, how can I watch Your work fall to the ground and not at least try to pick it up????

And how can THEY??? Especially someone I look up to and respect...

No comprehend. I know, it's not MY work per say, but GOD! What's a girl to do?? What's a weak, childish girl like me to do? I'm just so useless and helpless.

When you're upset and hurt, sometimes all you can do is tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.

Dear Lord Jesus, I have two things tonight. But I can't be putting it up here of course.