Fish!

Sigh. Still can't believe Lai Fish is going to Japan. Haiz.

Speaking of fish, I was at the reservior just now, feeding fish. See, my mom has a new hobby of baking bread, though its expensive and the amount of bread made is... less than usual. Anyway, the bread skins happen to be rather inedible, so she cuts them away and stores them in the freezer till our next trip to the reservior. So I was just standing there watching my little brother throw bread skins onto the rocks, and then my mom had this ingenious idea of throwing the whole piece of bread. Like a frisbee. Gee, you should have seen the whole black mass of fish swarm towards the poor bobbing piece of bread. Wahaha. A less amusing sight, or actually sound, was this weird Malay guy coming up to 凑热闹 and his radio was tuned to some station playing weird and idiotic music. Bleah. Talk about distasteful. Huh. Didnt' stay long anyway, so nevermind.

And in keeping with weird ideas etc, I was just using Google Earth to check out how far Tasmania, Hobart was from the backside of the earth and actually its quite far. Quite far indeed.

Hmm.

My parents are going to KL with my younger brother, and my older brother has a camp during the national day weekend. Sigh. I hope Shana can come, otherwise I will so totally freak out in such an empty house.

Sigh.

!!!

OH MY GOSH.

JIEYING IS GOING TO HOKKAIDO for attachment.

Waaaah.... Me wants to go too... sobs.

Heh. Going to bug her for a souvenir. Hehehehe...

Even though I'm really sorry to drop my Japanese lessons, I don't think there was any way I could have continued. After all, I just wasn't able to finish my homework and study for my tests so... *Sigh*. Maybe some day. At the end of everything, I suppose it won't really matter.

Hmm. Hee hee. Tianyi went out with SOMEONE last Wednesday. Heeheehee... my turn to laugh. Well, all I can say is that it will be good for interschool string ensemble relations. Haha. :D :D :D :D. Funny person. Anyway he's got good sense ^_^. So don't let us down Tianyi! Muahaha. You can deny you don't like him, but how about him? Hee hee.

Argh. Got lit essay to write. So cruel. Stupid Dr Stockmann. Stupid stupid. Why be so stubborn? If you were to just lie down nicely we'd have no lit text to study. Wouldn't that be nice? I dont' mind just learning poems. Huh. Speaking of Dr Stockmann, I have no idea why some people have such an obsession with the North. Well actually in this case its the South. Nevermind. Each to their own.

Just don't freeze over. It could get really troublesome.

Hmph.

Ok. Tianyi and Elaine have discovered my blog. And only because I told them. Experiment failed? Maybe I should start a new blog and wait for someone to REALLY find it. Nah. Too lazy. And it doesn't really matter.

The band has elected their new comm. I was just confirming with her sister whether the exco names written on the board was permanent. Then I asked her what the difference was between a band major and a drum major. Sheesh. By the look on her face, it was as though I was going to fail her and give her an F9 if she couldn't answer. 人家只想知道 "Band major" 和"Drum major" 有什么不同罢了。。。 I don't bite! Gee.

Speaking of biting, someone might not be too happy tomorrow. *Ahem.*

Bio. Bio. Bio.

Buccal cavity-oesophagus-stomach-duodenum-ileum-colon-rectum-anus.

Buccal cavity- Chemical digestion by salivary amylase, physical digestion by teeth. Food is coated by saliva and mucus, helping it to go down the oesophagus easily. Tongue is used in gathering food together in mouth.

Oesophagus- Peristalsis. Wavelike contractions that push the food down using a set of antagonistic muscles. When circular muscles contract, longitudal muscles dilate. When longitudal muscles contract, circular muscles relax. Creates lumen for food to gradually move down.

Stomach- Protease pepsinogen is in inactive form. When HCl acid is released, it is changed to active form pepsin. Breaks down proteins into polypeptides. Muscular action of the stomach churns solid food into chyme to facilitate digestion and absorption later. Pyloric Splincher- prevents solid food from entering the duodenum, releases chyme into duodenum slowly.

Haven't really gotten to the small intestine yet.

Nessum dorma.

Studied about oratorio today in music lesson. Handel's Messiah is really grand. Especially the chorus that begins with "For unto us a Child is born". The choir really sounds jubilant, like they want to proclaim it to the world. ^_^ And of course the tenor aria "Evr'y valley". ^_^ Was fun to hear the tenor start singing like a soprano, in terms of rhythm and running notes. Lala. And those two mad people were acting gay again. Gross. Plus they were right in front of me.

Oh well. Sigh.

My mom says if I don't get enough sleep I'll fall sick. Actually that's not a bad idea, if you disregard medical fees etc. It'd be nice to sleep all day at home. But then again it sucks being sick.

I want a break. A real one. I haven't had one since Christmas 2004.

*Do I really have to put in a title?*

Stupid Chem test. One of the rare tests I actually finished studying for and I still couldn't do it. I wish they'd set harder questions in the worksheets, then we could practice. I was just stoning in front of those few questions. At least I put something down on the paper, so hopefully something out of all that trash will get me a mark or two.

Hopefully. Time to practice my ten year series. Like I ever will.

Plus there was this weird invigilator who started scribbling stuff about electrolysis on the white board. Can you believe it. Newbie teacher. Oh well. Dear loud Mr Kuo was in the next classroom teaching 3/15 about mole and the avogadro number. Darn it. Why? Why didn't he just decide to teach ionic equations and mass percentage? I was straining my ears to catch every bit of Chem stuff he was teaching 3/15, but nothing helped. So unfair. How often does a well-voice-projecting teacher start teaching Chemistry to the class next door while you're having a Chem test? I guess it WOULD have been too much to expect anything he said to have helped. Maybe Mdm Tan tipped him off about our test. Arrgh...

Bio bio bio. Hmm. At least I understand Bio. The thing about it is memorising all those leetle facts. Right.

On a lighter note, guess what? Cross country this year is on 19 August. And my piano exam? 19 August. Hallelujah. Goodness knows I go for enough nature walks with my parents. I sure don't need to do another 3.2 km one. Plus this one isn't healthy at all. We have to walk by the road and breathe in all those toxic fumes. Hmm-hmm. Bet Tianyi won't be pleased. Oh well. Looks like I have to disappoint my "Avid Walkers Club" companions.

Music lesson tomorrow. Gamelan! And those mad people.

Hmm

Just read some publicity for RISE's coming concert. Guess who's conducting? Don't feel like going for it now. If I am going to be killed by my mother and buried by my dad for going to too many concerts, at least let the concert be worth it. Like last night's one. That was pretty worth it I guess. And guess what? I found a boy who is more pro that a certain someone was when he was in Primary 5. Should that make me happy? Or sad? Hmm... I opt for indifference.

Maybe I should just go for the concert and make sure I sit next to a certain someone, at least for the first half of the concert. The running commentary is guaranteed to be interesting.

Soluble salts: All potassium, sodium and ammonium salts. All nitrates. All chlorides except silver chloride and lead chloride. And... something else...

Insoluble salts: All hydroxides, oxides, sulphates, except those of potassium, sodium and ammonium, as well as barium, lead and ...*crap what's that last one??? Is it calcium? Yes, Yes it IS!!!* sulphate.

Titration: Soluble reactants and soluble salts.

Precipitation: Soluble reactant + soluble reactant=insoluble reactant.

Crystallization *is that what its called???* : Insoluble+soluble=soluble, obtain salt using crystallization method.

What a lovely lot of regurgitation of stuff that was. Good news *or maybe bad news* is that that was without revision. At least I've finished Mole Concept.

Argh.

I think I am soo dead for CCA tomorrow. Because... because. A teacher who knows nuts about music cannot teach music. Just that simple logic is going to kill me tomorrow.

To my last ray(s) of hope: Thank goodness you transfered over. Cooperate tomorrow, please!

Math Independant learning presentation about Pythagorean tuning and equal temperaments surprisingly DID NOT put all my classmates to sleep. And Ms Ng even said it was interesting! ^_^ Now Elaine and I have got to go find lots of lovely glasses. I sincerely hope the ratios work. They better! I mean, they should, right? RIGHT??? Sigh.

Chem. Chemistry. Chem. CHEMISTRY! Chemistry. Chemistry. CHEMISTRY!!!!!!!

Here I come.

Well.

Went for the concert organised by Sarah's teacher. Guess who I saw there. People really just pop up in your face when you least expect them. Jeremiah Chong, no less. The last time I saw him was at SYF competition, and even then I wasn't sure it was him. I didn't say hi to him or his mom because I'm sure neither of them would have remembered me. And besides, his mom was surrounded by a group of people so I decided it wouldn't be nice to butt in. And my friends were waiting for me... That's enough excuses for me.

Haiz. So pro. I am surrounded by pro people. First a particular person who reappears in music class, and now this. At least I don't have to see this person every week. Today was a freak accident. Gosh.

No. I refuse to start feeling lousy about myself.

Even if I am.

Speaking of lousy, I'm in a frustrating situation where I'd like to get help but unfortunately CANNOT. For certain reasons. I seriously do not know how I will take on that responsibility. How does one teach when one can't even do it? I hope she takes over my position and teaches. Bet she'd be better at it.

What am I worried about? We may not even reach those parts. So.

Another confusing thing is when someone desperate to be useful starts doing your job. I'm grateful of course, but it gets confusing.

So many things to do. Going to cram for Chem and Bio. Oh man.

>_< .

Argh

Had that leadership workshop thing today. It was... basically a revision of what I've heard many times. There was some new stuff. Like when I got caught by my math teacher the moment I opened my mouth. Am I jinxed or what? This is the second time something like this has happened. I pay attention, I shut up, then when I open my mouth near the end of the lesson to say a quick comment I get caught. Darn it. Never going to open my mouth in front of her again. And guess what? The representatives from the other CCAs were like gossiping and chatting away happily and THEY GOT AWAY SCOT-FREE. I mean, its so unfair! And she SINGLED out my CCA to scold me! I mean... I shall keep my swear words to myself. Oh, and Elaine's had similar experiences. Lesson learnt. The hard way. Shut up and just nod.

Missed CCA today. Shall have to practice hard. *Musn't say anymore!*

The water pipe outside my home burst yesterday when I was having aural lessons with my piano teacher. There was this lovely waterfall gushing from the cupboard door which was half a metre above the ground. And the corridor was filled with at least 3 cm of water. Talk about lighting up my day. But it was such a pity to see all that water pouring, literally, down the drain. My piano teacher had trouble walking through the flood as she was wearing jeans and high heeled shoes. I was so worried she was going to slip and fall...

Argh. I've got so many things to say but I can't say it HERE. So I shall go compose another letter to my Father.

Huh.

I need a new email!!!!

When I try to compose mail...
Hotmail always has "error on page" and I can't send anything
Yahoo is taking ages to load

What in the name of time and error is wrong with them???

I'll be back.

On a happier note, I'm rather looking forward to CCA tomorrow. ^_^ I'm very tempted to say why, but I've decided to play it safe and keep mum.

^_^

FoA and Hmp concert are over!

I think we did pretty well for FoA, especially the night concert. And the rose Ruth gave me is so prrrreeetty!!! The rose mom gave me has not bloomed yet, and its outermost petals are, for some unknown reason, black. Speaking of the alpha female, she has finally agreed that it will NOT do for me to be looking like a blood sucking vampire. She's going to take me to buy lipstick that suits me. I had to humiliate myself three times before she realised it really REALLY did NOT look good. *sighs*

But I think we really sucked at the HMP concert. Haiz.... Nevermind. Won't have to do it again for another year (hopefully never again!) And there's much to look forward to! What with all the pieces we will be playing for the September concert! Yay! Lalala... It'll be something I look forward to after all those boring hours of school. ^_^ *yayness*

And by the way, I've come to terms with it already. There's much more to life. And much more to do.

I'll miss all the Sec 4s. FoA was their last concert with us.

I really treasure that time under the Song He umbrella with you! That'll be the one thing I'll always remember. And all those times I kept hitting you on the head *by accident*. I'll really miss you!!!!!!!! Thanks for being a really, truly wonderful stand partner... You always made me smile, even when I didn't feel like it. I'll miss you! And all your stupid sayings, poems and jokes... Haiz. 归的不去，新的不来？我不要新的，我要你留着！！！ Sigh. What am I saying? Life is about meetings and farewells after all. But just let me say one last time...

Thank you!!!

For your friendship.

So tired. I am going to sleep.

Ok, fine.

From now onwards I shall desist to comment about CCA matters. Since its obviously such a sensitive issue.

Don't mind me. Having a bad hair day, although technically my hair's been pretty obedient.

Sigh. So tired. And its not a "lack of sleep thing"; that would be easy to cure. Its a "so sick of everything" tired. It stemed from 5 moles of the "lack of sleep thing". Add 10 moles of "oh no, so much to do" and the chemical reaction produces 30 moles of "so sick of everything". My darling 开心果 has also been rather stoned recently because she refuses to sleep early. Suggestions people? Not that I'll get any replies anyway. Ha ha. Nobody has found my blog yet. ^_^ Not that I know of anyway. Anyway I've already thought up of my own remedy. Thank goodness my mom has always been pretty supportive of my wannabe "self proclaimed" rest days. Although she's always supported me I've never used it. Reason being I'll miss so much stuff, it'll be no help at all. So I guess I'll still be in school on Monday.

Sometimes I don't get it. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. I don't get it. "Come unto me". Question: What is THAT all about? Hmm??? Is there some hotline number I dial? Do I need some password before the operator lets me through? What? What ? WHAT?

Gee, I really don't know who I am anymore.

Lets see. Tomorrow's schedule:
1) 8 am to 9.15 am- International English Competition
2) 9.30 am to 1.30 pm- FoA practice
3) 2.10 pm to approx. 4 pm- Chinese O Level Listening Comprehension
4) HMP concert practice, though I don't know what time it starts and what time it ends.
5) 7.30 pm- HMP concert. With my little solo which still sounds crappy. Actually its more of a soli, because I'm not the only one playing it. Oh well.

And now my brother wants the computer. Older that is. You'd think having a computer in HIS room would ensure that the competition was cut down to just me and my younger brother. My dad does not count.

...

Someone on MSN sounds like she's in love, huh? (From now onwards I shall use *someone* instead of mentioning names because it was brought to my attention that if a person was really petty they could actually sue one in court for using their names.) Huh. It's nothing fantastic really, why make such a big fuss over it? There's always a first time I guess. Once bitten, twice shy. Unless the person is really thick skin and can't feel it.

Whatever.

I'm going to sleep. If I can actually sleep.

Coincidentally...

Oh, and by the way, I heard that Alan's president of TCHSE. This despite the fact that he is away in Vienna, and that someone had to read his speech for him. So. Alan there and Tianyi here. Mmmm-hmm...

What a coincidence. Elaine and I agree that its a good match, although said male MAY be a little short. I don't know. I haven't seen him in a long while. Now height MIGHT be a serious disadvantage. Although I must say he's improved tremendously since primary school.

What a coincidence. Won't you agree?

Sigh

Why do I always go "sigh"? I tell you, if I count all the "sighs" I have in three days it would probably exceed the number of hamsters I've ever kept. And that's saying something alright.

Hmm. Lets see. Bio test. Math Project. CME project (can you believe it??? CME, for goodness sake! As if we don't have enough to do!) Chem test. C Lit project. Math test. SS timed trials. C Lit testS. OH my gosh. What else? My mom was just saying that after FoA I have to spend less time on my violin. Bad news mom, I have at least two more concerts coming up. Looks like I won't be able to attend any concerts for the rest of the year. Sad. Wish I didn't have to be stuck in Shang Hai for two weeks at the end of the year. I don't really mind going, but now... At least I'm not stuck there for SIX weeks. Poor Tianyi. She's not in Shang Hai either, she's in Su Zhou. Oh wells. Good luck!

Just found out that my English Oral examiner is Gary Tang. Hmm. That's strange. He tested me last year. Still remember that because the girl before me was really fast, he was sitting outside the examination room on MY chair (ok, not my chair but the chair meant for ME) and was all "Ms Jane Lau?" What could I say? Uh... -_-" But anyway I don't mind being tested by him again, he gave me a very very very good score last time :D. But he took one mark off because I pronounced "stifled" incorrectly. Haiz. I shall aim for full marks this time! That one mark shall not elude me anymore!!!! It's a good thing I never found English Oral difficult. In fact I find it almost fun to be talking with a teacher on such an open basis. I'd never get another opportunity at it. Unfortunately I don't get to choose the topic. But its ok. ^_^

FoA pract tomorrow. English International competition, Chinese O Level Listening comprehension, FoA pract, HMP pract and HMP concert is on Friday. FoA concert on Saturday. Ms Goh scolding me for still being so sucky in scales. Ms Ng mad that I keep forgetting to send the Math powerpoint to her. Ms Ng, look, its ok if you fail me. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!

God help me.

I am going to self proclaim a rest day next Monday.

等待

I wonder how much of our lives is spent waiting.

Sat for my Chinese O Level Oral Exam today. Oh no, I think I'm soooo going to flunk it. Somebody or something pressed the stop button in my brain. And so the entire oral was “问一句，答一句” the whole way through... I really really cannot express myself in any language other than English. What a failure. ARGH! Huh. At least I did better in the panel discussion during English right before Oral Exam... Though Mrs Chitra remarked that my eyes were not focused. Haha. Was trying to look at too many things at one time... Anyway I waited and shivered and nearly died of a nervous breakdown for TWO WHOLE hours before my turn came. They took TWO WHOLE hours to assess 10 people. Sheesh.

Anyway I ran down to the audi at 4.05pm certain that they would have already come out of the audi rehearsal, but instead caught them just in time before they went on. Turns out they had been waiting for their turn. It was a good thing there were lots of people and things to take my mind off it. I just about started crying hysterically on Li Bing's shoulder, though I don't think she was aware of that.

Sigh. What a busy day. One of the old newspaper articles I was trying to study before the Exam was about 移民，and I sympathise with those who decide that a life overseas would be much easier. Because I totally agree with them, for after comparing notes with Olivia, life is much slower Down Under. How nice. Those people can go talk all they want about patriotism. When it really gets down to it, people have many other things to consider other than loyalty to the country.

Got yet another Chinese Lit test next week. Better not flunk it again. So now I'm trying to memorise 那三首诗。

《山行》
远上寒山石径斜，
白云生处有人家。
停车坐爱枫林晚，
霜叶红于二月花。

That's one down... two to go. Tian yi was laughing when she first heard me say “坐爱”。 Actually the whole class burst out laughing when we first heard it. Oh wells. So much for innocence eh?

Yawn... have to go practise piano.. I still haven't found a suitable black skirt/long pants for the HMP concert thing... Oh what am I to do? Maybe I should just go buy and new one... That would be such a waste of money.

Good luck to Elaine for tomorrow's Oral Exam!

Thank God mine is DONE with.

And I swear, I'm never never NEVER putting on makeup again. At least not for the next three weeks. I have such a lovely bloom of red hills on my face now.

ARGH!!!!

The Salad Bowl

Izzi died today. I think he just died, cos his little body didn't stink or anything and his eyes were still shining. Like he was crying.... waaaaah.... Poor Izzi. I miss you Izzi! Thanks for all the times we had over the past three years. Thank you for giving me your life, your fun and all your attention little buddy.... Sigh. You are the last hamster from the very first batch of my own home bred hammies. Goodbye, little friend.

Down the garbage chute you go.

So anti-climatic. But I really have nowhere to bury you... Sayonara.

Was in church to play that song again... Oh wells. I think I did rather alright tonight, if I may say so myself.

The youth were having Alpha Course tonight but I didn't join them. And so I shut myself up in the creche room while they were having worship. Isn't that nice and isolated? But I'm only as alone as I choose to be. Why would anyone want to be all alone by themselves?

Hmm... I had violin lesson today. Asked Mr Seow to help me with some pieces. Hee... I know it was bad of me, but I couldn't help but laugh when he commented on something... Repeated it three times... oh hahahahahaha... Ohhhhh well. It doesn't bear mentioning here, but this is just a little note to remind myself to put it down in my own personal journal...

Hee...

I read a little email today. So discouraging. I'm sure that wasn't supposed to be the way I respond to it, but here it is. And it wasn't from a spiteful person. It was from a caring and concerned person. In fact, it is because it was from a well meaning and caring person that it became discouraging. If the person was just trying to be stupid and spiteful it won't have mattered so much. Sigh. Man, I feel discouraged even before I've even started! Can you believe it. I sure can't. I know it is good to think ahead of all the troubles that will befall one, and to be cautious and careful, but I think I've found someone who worries more than me. I know it won't be smooth sailing, that I've got a lot of expectations and things to do, but I could sure use some optimism. Being optimistic and relaxed ISN'T being slack. Why associate the two words? They don't even mean the same! Otherwise one of the words wouldn't exist. Why the grey and long faces? Why the doom saying and shaking of heads and sighs? We haven't even started for goodness sake, ITS A NEW BEGINNING!!!

Get it through to your head: we're not pushovers.

Anyhow, I am grateful for your concern and words of advice. I shall keep them in mind. *Thank goodness I don't worry half as much as you. My head would have exploded eons ago.*

Sigh. Really. I really feel discouraged now.

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear. What a priviledge to carry everything to God in prayer. O what peace we often forfeit! O what needless grief we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

^_^ I feel comforted. Indeed, "For with God all things work together for the good of those who love Him, and who are called to His purpose." Romans 8:28. Hope I got that right. This is just a small part of my life. Its got its purpose to shape me. I just got to trust God and do the best I can!

Whew. What a salad bowl of emotions I have had today. I just wonder why my head isn't exploding. That would solve A LOT of troubles.

*yawn*

Yesterday was the IE Presentation. Sooooooooo sleeeeeeepy now... Its not really because of a lack of sleep, more because we had a busy day. But we spent most of our yesterday just hanging around some cold exhibition hall. Thank goodness I brought my jacket. ^_^ We played Chavarri and Reinecke I-dunno-how-many times, as well as Magic Flute and Hoe Down. Then the happy and enthusiatic violin ones played Suk all by themselves.

*Yuck yuck yuck. Fine, I have to change my mindset. .......... ........... Yuck yuck yuck... Don't give up! I may like it yet......... YET.*

Anyway. I think the presentation yesterday was really really.... stupid. The worst thing was that they tried to squeeze us into the guitar ensemble arrangement! How can they even THINK of it? Sarah was like, 180 degrees away from me! I could barely see her during the afternoon rehearsal! Huh. We shifted around a lot during the actual thing though. During the rehearsal the emcee pronounced Mr Sze's name as "tze". The whole lot of us turned around and went, "Sze!" and he got the point. At least during the rehearsal he pronounced "Chavarri" correctly. I don't know whether he was trying to be sophisticated or something, but he pronounced it in a much different and stranger way during the actual concert. Oh well. Huh. This world works by relatives anyway.

For makeup all I put on was foundation, almost-invisible blusher and RED lipstick. Oh man, why did my mom have to give me such RED lipstick? It was like... RED??? I tried to use the other two but none of them showed up. Argh. Bleah. And the flowers we pinned on really didn't make much of a difference when we sat down. At least it showed when we stood up. Elaine helped me glue the petals together so it looked nicer and not as though it had just exploded. Mr Sze was wearing purple... Purple. Hmm.

Oh well. I guess the hours we spent together weren't exactly wasted. We got to know each other and stuff... I guess.

WHOOPIES! No lessons tomorrow! Ahhh.... I was so tired today I spent the whole day waiting for the bells to ring. Marissa and Irene actually stayed home today. Tomorrow is the Youth Day Funfair. I hope Olivia and Holly will enjoy themselves. I have a feeling the 300 fried ice creams my class ordered will not be enough... Our fame seems to have preceded us. Somehow people have found out. Oh well. If we can sell all at $1.50 each it will be $450! Not for us of course...

We had CCA elections today. Tianyi is the elected pres... good luck to her! I hope she'll be alright... Yours truly is VP/Secretary, and her darling classmate is VP/AC Rep. I guess the three of us will pull through huh? After all, other than Tianyi and cheery Elaine we've got Eunice and crazy Britt. Crazy in a nice happy way. I guess we'll be alright. It'll be the first few weeks *am I being too optimistic?* in which we have to work hard to get used to I suppose.

But I really hope Tianyi will be alright. Maybe I worry too much. Oh wells.

Sigh. Going to be soooo busy. Wish me luck! And no eyebags.

...So guilty...

Haiz, I feel so guilty. Sigh... I need to talk to somebody! But nobody's online... no one I can talk to anyway. Haiz... 其实这件事已经是两，三个月的时间了，可是。。。 Sigh. Let's see: Tianyi is at SYO concert (she's the one I really need to talk to), Elaine is not answering her phone, neither is she online. Well at least I can talk to God, but I need to make it right with Tianyi.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I have beliefs alright, and morals and stuff but I just can't seem to live up to them. I don't know why, but I was just stoned right there and then. The only thing I could do was look at Tianyi for help. And wish I could sink into the floor. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? WHAT WHAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I was just struck dumb on the spot and I... couldn't do anything. Actually the dominating feeling was fear. I dunno, guess I'm just a coward at heart. Sometimes I just hate being me. Argh. I truly hope "tomorrow is a new day". Somehow it feels like I'll never shake off the feeling. *sigh*

Its hard to be glad or thankful. I know I can be glad I've got another chance and stuff, but perhaps I'll be able to appreciate such "glad" things after a week or two.

TIANYI WHERE ARE YOU???? Hurry up and get home...

I think I should just give it up.

*sigh*

Tomorrow is IE Presentation. I was so stoned during CCA. Got up at 4 am this morning to study for Chinese Lit but it turns out the stuff I memorised didn't come out. Plus, I got mixed up between 《月夜忆舍弟》 and 《九月九日忆山东兄弟》。Forgot that the “露从今夜白，月是故乡明”佳句 is from 《月夜忆舍弟》 and not 《九月九日忆山东兄弟》。 At least I spotted my mistake before handing it in. And I couldn't find anything to say. I think I'm going to flunk it. So what's new?

And so there I was, stoning during CCA. Brain was totally numb and nearly stopped functioning. I think those people who are at SYO concert are really brave. After all, we have a busy and long day tomorrow. Sigh. But I'm not complaining about that. I'm going to sleep at 9.30 tonight. Thank God I have no homework today. Haiz...

I really don't know what to do, what to say or what to think. All I know is that I understand myself anymore. Never did.

*Sometimes I wonder why I write all this crap stuff on a public blog. No one will read it anyway. And if they do, so what?*

And btw, I asked my TCHSE friend and he said no, he didn't hear about Mr Sze's "invitation" to come for our pract. So...

I'm grateful.

Whew!

Ok, I am FINALLY done with the newspaper. Stupid thing. Took up my whole day again. Only shooee was online at 2 pm. Stupid Jas. Went out to Science Centre with Olivia etc. Now poor shooee is trying to print the newspaper. Guess what? We're using A3 paper and the printer is for A4. Pooor Shooee indeed. Wish I could help her, but unfortunately she's the only one with the A3. And Jas is happily at Science Centre. Since its so close to my home, I should go and drag her here. Huh. Nevermind. Shall not traumatize Olivia and Co. I swear, Jasmine needs to go get her own buddy. Its really a pity she's not doing attachment this year. Shooee says she printed one page wrongly...ganbatte ne.

IE presentation is this Wednesday, HMP concert and FoA are next week... Remembering that I have to fit into my concert gown is a good thing indeed.

This week will fly by alright. And that's saying something. In fact, the rest of this year is going to shoot past me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being dragged along. >.<

Brittany was mentioning someone in her blog known as abap. Seems like Britt and Co. are always up to something. All those stupid things like rubber cockroaches (thank goodness my brother's similar interest in such things has given me an immunity to them. poor elaine) and stupider sayings (beaman!dotherightthing! if you understand what that means... for your sake I hope you don't). Argh. Sometimes I wonder what their brains are filled with, and how they ever have space for all this stuff when we have so much Science and Math and Chinese and etcetera etcetera to stuff into our heads.

Each to her own.

^_^

Whoopies! Tomorrow is a holiday and I've already finished more than half my homework! Yay!!!

Except, of course, for the newspaper. Argh. At least we don't have to report on real stuff. Then we don't have to worry about being truthful :P. What truth is there in pretend? ^_^

Yunpeng asked me to play for Chinese Alpha next Saturday. I guess I don't mind, after all such experiences, are, as Mrs Ee said "valuable and hard to come by". And after all its the same song again. I'm getting sick of it. And there are no notes to follow so its easy enough. Muahaha. But I just hope there are no violinists among those nurses and China students. It was difficult enough to stand there and play for first service knowing that Joash can play the violin too. It got worse when I spotted him. But anyway he doesn't seem to care, so... 也许是我心理作怪。Oh wells. ^_^

I swear, Gloria's got music on the brain. Sheesh! I mean.... well, words fail me. Its not the being obessed with music that I find weird, its the fact that its Gloria that I'm not quite used to yet. Then again, its not really quite that either. I don't know, it just seems... WEIRD. Haiz. I suppose I'll get used to it. Speaking of Gloria and cca, we're going to hold a concert during Sep. hols in the Esplanade. The Esplanade Recital Studio. Aww... Ok ok, start small. At this rate I won't be around anymore when they finally get down to the concert hall. Oh wells. Can go watch. Haha. But one thing I noticed was that most of the people, specifically violinists, who were enthusiastic about the idea, were from 1st violins. I say this because I face the cello and viola sections. And when Mr Sze asked us to vote whether we wanted to do the concert, the only hand I could see raised either than my own was Wan Fang. There were plenty more nay votes from those sections. But we're still going ahead. So that means almost the whole of the 1st violin section must have agreed to do the concert. I've been noticing this trend. The violin ones get the more difficult parts, with high notes galore. But they are the ones who seem most excited about music, the most "on" ones. My own section, I'm sorry to say, is a far cry from that. Guess its a culture thing huh? Oh man, does that mean I'm a lousy SL or what? Oh whatever. They have to play, whether they like it or not. Huh.

Speaking of techniques etc, my darling wrist is as WOODEN as ever. *Damn you, stupid wrist!* Ok ok, I shouldn't be blaming my innocent little wrist for being stiff. Guess its my own fault huh? Sometimes I wish I could just take a hammer and give it a little tap right THERE. Ought to fix that stiffness. Sigh. Ok, maybe I could just be glad I have arms, I have a proper wrist, and I have five functional fingers. Even though the last one is stupidly short. If people without arms can learn to play the piano with their toes, surely I can do better. Right. *sigh*

Gloria has been thinking of joining TO. Power to you, Gloria. Go live out your dream. Seems like in everything I do, I'm never as good as I want to be, no matter how hard I try. Am I doing it the wrong way or something? I must be... I guess sometimes talent matters at the end of the day. The only thing I can confidently say I am at the top of my game at is English. And even so it isn't number one. Like Math, Science, other languages, Music... Sheesh, I have an ex-classmate in SYO. He's like sub-principal player in TCHS violin 1 section? And their violin section is reputedly very good. See what I mean? My Math and Chinese just plain suck, my Chem is only average, and though my Bio is one of the best it isn't the best. Wish I could BE the best for once. Sigh... Stupid you Jane, stupid you. Stop dreaming.

Hmm, I hope no one's reading this. I think I'm becoming a little too explicit here. Guess I should just revert back to my private journal. Or, even better, do some old fashioned writing.