Victoreeeee

:D Yay I learnt a lot of stuff this weekend. About myself and about God's grace. And so I think I can handle all that stuff below *looks down at previous post* much better.

Hopefully. Yay, God rocks :)

Off I go to church camp. Bye people. Be back on Saturday. Though I'll probably see Shana at Habourfront tmr...?

too flustered to think of a title

My chains are gone, I've been set free

My God my Savior has ransomed me

Sometimes, like now, I don't feel free. I feel like there's still a heavy burden on me. Like every time I have to play the keyboard for service, I don't want to. Cause I know if I try, I can't get it done the way they want it. If I don't, my own style of playing won't be accepted.

So in the end I'm rejected again right? Through and through. Me, my personality and my music.

*Speaks to self: No no, tis wrong. Such thinking is wrong.

But yet I can't see it any other way.

Somehow ended up on duty this weekend again. I'm tired of playing 2nd keyboard. It makes me all flustered and worked up and worried, but if I play 1st keyboard my style won't be accepted.

If God has set me free, if His mercy has been extended to me, if His grace is sufficient for me,

Why don't I feel it???

angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry... Bweah.

Haish. I can't even enjoy listening to good music now. Makes me ask myself "can I do that, can I create that effect if required, can I make it sound so good"?

Like the music in itself is most important. Which is utter crap of course.

So what, God can accept the worship of my heart, but mere mortals can't? It all doesn't make sense to me.. RRRRRRRarrrrrrrrrrrgh. *Frown*

SUCKS. Wish I could say goodbye to them all, up and move and start anew all over again... except that the same situation would repeat itself. And then what, move again? In the end, must be something wrong with me right?

Makes me want to blame someone else like, wish I hadn't been in a top school and a top student orchestra cause now everything is about the results.

But I know that's not completely true either...

Bweah.

I have decided!

I'm playing the 1st keys this weekend, AND I'M DOING IT MY WAY. Cause I don't need your merely human approval.

Do you hear the people sing?

On my own, pretending he's besides me.

All alone, I walk with him till morning.

...

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are filled with starlight

...

But I know, it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself, and not to him...

...

But when the night is over, he's gone! The river's just a river...

I love him, but everyday I'm learning

All my life, I've only been pretending!

Without me, his world will go on turning...

Hooked on this song. It's just so sad. Eponine is such a tragic character. I guess a lot of people like her cause they felt what she felt at some point of life. Even though the person and the attraction is gone, the sadness never really is.

Besides, it's a really beautiful poem that heightens the sense of loneliness using irony in the contrast of reality and the imagined, and, I think, some factors of causation: the logical and the ascribed...

Lol. My lit brain on overdrive after hibernating for half a year.

Clearing my name

Hmm. I have just allowed through a strange comment that in itself is harmless, but leads me to doubt its sincerity...

No harm letting it through I guess. Even if I may just be allowing this person to do some advertising.

Must blog today so that ms Shana Poon cannot blame me anymore for not being on MSN or for not blogging. Every time I'm on MSN she's not, so I may as well be the one scolding her for never being on. There we go.

My life this past week has been more meaningful since I created and followed (thus far!) my schedule created on Thursday. My biggest targets now are my grade 8 piano exam, picking up Japanese again, and baking lots of new stuff!

Aunty kawai likes the suji cake I made! She said it was great. I'm so happy... yet it might have been better to have made a mistake or two. I always get it first time right, but then never again get it so perfect. Until maybe the fifth time haha. I can't possibly be making 5 1kg cakes until I get it right...

I want to go on an overseas holiday!!!

):

First there was Australia, but it the dates and air tix didn't work out. Then there was Hong Kong, then I got the message that I wasn't welcome (no offense taken of course, but some doubts over quality of friend's bf). Now Mom has just sent me an email flyer about cheap trips to Japan (for under $1000, but free and easy), but now I got no one to go with me.

*Wallows happily in self-pity*

Anybody...?

Sigh. Not really looking forward to church camp as much as before (note: as much, not that I don't want to go), cause none of my friends are going, Mom says its unlikely that I'll get to access the beach, and guess what? I'm on duty for worship service.

Ahahaha. How did it happen?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Yup, that's how it happened. That's also why I've decided to 冒一次险 and pick up my Japanese language again. I don't really understand how I'm gonna get pass all of that, but I get this feeling I should be doing it, even if I don't want to.

It's a complicated feeling, so let's just keep it simple and not think too deeply about it.

Just do it.